The One Who Inflicts the Wound Is Not the One Who Will Put You Together Again
Q: Should I tell the narcissist that the way he/she handled … ( … ) … devastated me?
A: It doesn’t matter. At best he will be flattered that he caused a stir, had an effect, “another one stunned, by me”. But do not expect him to be moved. A narcissist is only moved by a bigger narcissist, the person who made him suffer — someone even shallower and crueler than the narcissist you have met; no one else can reach him or make a lasting impression.
You don’t exist to a narcissist, except as a vague idea of a commoner whom he had to teach a lesson, or who opened a door for him.
You are not the person who can move the narcissist.
Detach. Do not make him, or her, your role model. Or your ear: the person who inflicts the wound is not the one who can put you together again.
Process your feelings with people who are able of empathy, are able of perceiving others as others, are receptive to you.
Narcissists do not know how toxic they are. Non-narcissists can not comprehend what narcissism is or how toxic it can be to be in the narcissist’s proximity — until they experience a narcissist. The sense of talking to a wall, getting no response, no curiosity, no reaction that makes sense, except flat jokes, bizarre advice, the tone of being inconvenienced, nothing that mirrors what you have offered, and when challenged, mistaking you for someone else, and then, more of the same routines, more of the same compulsive behaviour.
Validate your feelings. To yourself, to regain clarity. And to those who care and want to know what you are going through.
Not to the narcissist. That is futile. He wasted your time already, he won’t apologize, he is about to trick someone new, there is no awareness that anything is wrong with the way he operates, all he hears is someone slowing him down, he lives under the impression that everyone should do as he does to get ahead, that the conscientious are fools… and so on.
You can’t move the narcissist, unless you are a bigger narcissist. Don’t go there.
Stay with your devastation. It is teaching you something too: those who cause pain and do not look back are not healthy or admirable. Those who destabilize are not stable. You need not relate to those who can not relate. You need not make them your bestie or your homies. Choose healing instead of looking to surface dwellers for answers, for understanding, for a genuine reaction to anything outside of their own needs. The pain they cause is who they are. They put you in the role of audience, and you didn’t object to it for reasons you should be interested in.
Your best memories with a narcissist involve promises that never turned true, the excitement about a future that never came to be, and although they might have figured out your needs, even inserted themselves as a solution, they withdrew in key moments when it wasn’t about (their) performance, but an opportunity to show what they are made of. That is the game they play. There is nothing more to it. Remember them as they are, not what you wished they had been. That is how you face what is. The pain, the disillusionment, the dread and disgust at their lack of care are real and what you are going to face more of in their proximity.
Good boundaries around narcissists are the only way you can coexist, if you have to.
The only thing narcissists appreciate are their needs. There is no group large or skilled enough to fill those needs, and they let you know that sooner or later. If they manage to mature a bit, they can appreciate the needs of others too, though nothing more. Don’t wait for it, though. It takes a journey and so much commitment to evolve, a radical self-evaluation in fact that very few undergo it and can stick to it.
There are plenty of topics and people to discover who are a lot more interesting than narcissists.
Including you.
#mindfully #withlove
23 November 2018
